Vampires are among us and for once don't sparkle!

V Wars, by Jonathan Maberry

After the over-saturation of Vampire genre books in bookstores around the world as I reader of the fantasy/horror genre had lost hope that the vampire genre would ever rediscover its gritty fear-invoking night creatures from the grasps of sparkly Christians and HBO. However, as soon as I picked up this book I knew it was different. For one it is not just the work of one author, rather a collection of intertwined short stories, which are divided into sections and spread about the book to provide a more immersive timeline and experience. Respected Sci-Fi/Fantasy authors such as Scott Nicholson and Yvonne Navarro grace this books pages and each story illustrates the global and individual impact of this Vampire War. The premise of the collection is that after eons locked away in polar ice a new (to humans anyway) virus sweeps across the globe activating ‘junk’ DNA in a small population which turns them into the stuff of legends (and nightmares). This book contains no Dracula with sweeping cape and aversion to garlic instead, to reflect the overwhelming genetic diversity in our species the virus manifests itself in different ways, from a semi-traditional vampire to werewolves to hopping shape changers.

What really separates this book from the average and unappealing vampire novels lining book shelves is that it’s not just a story of humans vs. monsters it’s a story of struggle; in both a physical sense of transformation and accommodation of our most frightening nightmares into the everyday, but also a emotional struggle as some who are infected become rampaging monsters whilst others become saviours or just try and live their lives as before. This book doesn’t bother with the classic good or evil chestnut, but rather what makes a person good or evil. Overall the stories are wide ranging and gripping, with action, great dialogue and believable characters, each story has a unique perspective on the V Wars and they range from the epicentre of the infection, patient zero to how countries deal with this new ‘threat’ in their own borders. This book is a must read for anyone who needs to be reminded of what made the original Dracula so great and anyone who wants to begin, or revitalise their love affair with the fantasy/horror genre.

By Rhiannon Emery

Piranha 3DD Movie Review

 

2012, directed by John Gulager

 

Reviewed by Tim. S

About two thirds into the film, David Hasselhoff says to himself “Welcome to rock bottom” just before announcing the opening of the fictional, and ill-fated ‘Big Wet’ water park. This tongue-in-cheek quip not only illustrates the general feeling of watching this film, the ensuing chaos further illustrates the dismal train-wreck this rebooted franchise has become.

Tastelessness is a consistent theme through the film, and it ends up leaving a more of a sour taste in your mouth as you go through the film. The first film was notorious for its graphic depictions of dismemberment and death, where as this time around the violence is somewhat toned down, while the sex dial has been cranked to 11, and it only hurts itself in the process.

When your film's only redeeming quality is gratuitous toplessness, you're in trouble

The film plays out in a highly predictable fashion, and doesn’t leave much to the imagination. However, where horror films challenge our expectations, this film instead gives us jarringly inconsistent queues of poor taste humour spliced in with the unfolding carnage. It just leaves you feeling uncomfortable more than anything else.

A sequel to Piranha 3D? Great Scott!

The film is plagued with numerous technical inconsistencies and improbabilities; though if I bitched and moaned about every film’s inconsistencies with physics and human anatomy I’d never stop, so here are a few of what I considered to be this film’s worst offences:

A scene involving one of the couples’s skinny dipping in the lake; the girl (who was previously revealed to be a virgin) feels something touching her lower body, and assumes it’s her boyfriend. We’re shown through underwater shots that in fact juvenile piranhas are circling her. We see one making a rapid dash towards her vagina, and she displays a sense of unease and discomfort, and promptly leaves the water. It’s unclear exactly what’s happening here, but later on when she’s having sex for the first time with her boyfriend, she displays signs of increasing discomfort as we see something moving in her abdomen, only moments later to have her lover withdraw his penis in agony as he reveals at least six inches of piranha with its teeth firmly gripped over his junk. I couldn’t figure out exactly how she didn’t notice six inches of spiny, prehistoric carnivorous sea life writhing uncontrollably in untouched territory. Maybe that’s just how she imagined sex the first time would be, whatever.

I was confused as to whether this was intended as slight against her implicitly cavernous reproductive organs, or whether the piranhas had some fascination with mammalian gestation and reproduction routines. It’s never explained in any sense exactly WHY the fish chose to inhabit her nether regions, or how it even survived there for as long as it did without any oxygen. I felt that this scene could have functioned well as a plot device to have the kooky marine biologist (Christopher Lloyd) make some wacky explanation about their extraordinary adaptability to survive in any condition, but instead the scene is just passed off as a cheap vagina dentata shock moment, which felt really strange to me since the very opening of the film depicts a sort of intra-orifice gestation of piranha larvae within a floating bovine carcass. The opportunity was right there to push the scientific explanations, but I’m giving this film too much credit just by considering that possibility.

This gross anatomical inaccuracy was almost enough to make me leave this film right there. Not because I’m worried that one day when I’m getting cozy with my lady I’m going to get my junk bitten off, but because it essentially illustrated what’s wrong with so much of modern films and television; shock for the sake of shock, and breasts for the sake of breasts.

Getting people wet is hard work when it's not the wet season

The other plot point about piranhas entering the pool through a well pump also makes no sense; any pump of industrial capacity would be fitted with numerous filters, as you’d be collecting much more than just water- what about all the earth matter that’d get sucked through the system? It’d clog and stop working pretty damn quick without some kind of filtration system, but of course being that logical would ruin the entire premise of the film.

There seem to be unclear definitions of the relative size and density of the piranhas; one scene depicts them destroying timber planks of a jetty occupied by two girls, while another scene depicts one breaking through, of all things, the concrete lining of the pool. Exactly what the piranha was doing embedded in solid concrete is beyond me, but after that I half-expected to see a piranha erupting out of their car stereo on the drive home. Oddly enough, the piranha is strong enough to break concrete with its bare face, yet when male protagonist Barry hurls his flimsy trash collecting stick at the large, spiny fish, its head is penetrated instantly. Probably the worst scene for defying the accepted laws of locomotion and biophysical movement was the final scene showing a child, filming an near still piranha approaching on land, to getting decapitated by it leaping forwards and gaining apparent light-speed velocity (yeah, I’m aware of how stupid this all sounds too). It just… doesn’t happen.

Sadly they don't look much better than they did in the first film either

I’m not fazed by blood spraying everywhere, or giant bouncing breasts filling the screen, as long as there’s at least a semi plausible reason as to why it’s all happening. Rambo (2008) was one of the most graphically violent films of recent years, and for good reason- the film is a war movie illustrating the horrors of life under the crushing iron fist of the Burmese military junta. We don’t watch that movie expecting a nice, sanitized cakewalk. We know going into it that we’re going to see some of the most disturbing, anatomically accurate dismemberment and disembowelment that cinema can bring, for the purposes of illustrating the ongoing problems in Myanmar.

You might also expect to see some cleavage or breasts in a screwball teen comedy, usually to illustrate the singular focus of the bumbling male protagonists. Speaking of breasts… There’s loads of breasts in this movie. Like, heaps. You won’t get a shot of the water park without catching an eyeful of some woman’s inflated assets, more often completely exposed than not. Hell, there’s even several shots of full frontal nudity to top it all off too. You’d think this film was conceived by socially awkward adolescent males. 

This publication is not set to 18+ so some of these picturess are censored. But you all have imaginations anyway.

Now, I’m not a prude and I’m not offended by this, but compared to the first film, it’s just absurd. It almost feels like an afterthought, as if the crew watched a rough cut of the movie and thought “God this is awful, better add a whole lot of tits and maybe people will like it.” At least in the first film, the provocatively presented women functioned as an illustration of both the hedonistic nature of the lake setting, and as a means of characterizing the eccentric pornographer character. 

Boobs. Your argument is invalid

 

What the first film was in gore porn, this film is in actual porn. There’s just nudity for the sake of nudity this time around, and it cheapens the film to a new low. The gore is actually toned down this time around- it doesn’t focus on the minutia of gory injuries and dismemberment like the first film did, instead opting to show the overall larger spectrum of injury and death.

A little late for CPR, buddy.

  

The film is also plagued by highly ineffectual, weak characters; it’s hard to tell if you’re meant to care about any of them. Coupled with the ridiculously similar-looking male and female cast of beach-perfect bodies, peroxide hair and absurd pretty-boy/beach babe features makes you feel like you’re watching that episode of Beverly Hills 90210 where they all go to the summer wonderland and get attacked by killer fish.

The character of the sleazy stepfather isn’t even remotely likeable, nor does the film make any attempt to cast him in any other light than a one-dimensional sleazebag. A standard trope for a character like this is for them to have some mildly redeeming quality, or at least in the throes of death to bequeath their final lamentations “…I only wanted what’s best for you Becky, nothing else.” *Choke* *Gasp* *Dead*. However he’s constructed as a one-dimensional selfish douche whose unceremonious decapitation reveals that he seemed to suffer from some kind of congenital defect in his cardiovascular system, resulting in 90% of his bodies’ blood volume collecting in his neck, judging by the ridiculous quantity of red stuff. Even if he hadn’t died here, its unclear how much longer he’d have lived with this crippling disorder. But it’s not even over yet- his disembodied head is catapulted right into the loving bosom of… bosoms. Yep, a pair of big ol’ breasts catches his disembodied head, which promptly enjoys one hell of a motorboating before being thrown into a pool of piranhas- a woman may or may not have been attached to said breasts.

This picture actually sums up the movie if you think about it. Or don't.

 Coupled with the generally unlikable characters, the casting leaves something to be desired; there’s a lack of A-list talent in the film, with the most well-known names (Christopher Lloyd and David Hasselhoff) being relegated to minor, or insignificant roles. Having said that, it was great to see Christopher Lloyd back and playing another kooky scientific character; these types of roles just fit him so naturally. David Hasselhoff on the other hand felt extremely awkward, playing a parody of himself in a horror comedy with the chaos unfolding makes you unsure of exactly what you’re watching- Are you meant to laugh or be shocked?

Decapitation's never been funnier.

Deputy Fallon (Ving Rhames) returns from the first film, as does the camera man from the pornography set. However they only receive a minor role. It was great to see some returning cast from the first film, though it would have been far more poignant to follow their journey, both through the psychological trauma following the events of the first film, and what brings them back to the scene of the unfolding chaos. However, I think I’m giving this reboot franchise too much credit for potential character development, especially with a title like ‘Piranha 3DD’, Gulager’s clearly not a stickler for subtlety.

 

In conclusion, is it worth seeing? I wouldn’t say so. However, it does give me a new appreciation of the first film- that movie actually looks half decent when compared to its train-wreck of a sequel. Plagued by logical flaws, sub-par visuals, unsatisfying casting and tacky special effects, I’d say you’re not missing anything. I think my favourite part of the film would be the blooper reel during the credits; you get a sense of just how ridiculous the actors think the film is. If you want to see loads of breasts, the internet has you covered. If you want to see blood and guts, watch the first film.

Chrono Trigger, a retrospective Review

1995, 2008 Squaresoft, SquareEnix.

 

Reviewed by Tim. S

Chrono Trigger.... The name itself invokes grand visages of transcending aeons in a single bound; leaping boldly through time and space in an attempt to right the many wrongs of history, and perhaps learning a little something about life’s greater meaning along the way. This is not only one of the Super Nintendo’s greatest titles ever, it’s also one of the greatest games ever made. That fact simply cannot be overstated, as complete top condition copies of Chrono Trigger command insanely high prices on online auction sites with even plain, average condition cartridges still demanding a respectable sum.

Now, living in a PAL territory has meant that I was denied the privilege of this 16-bit masterpiece as a child, so if it wasn’t for the miracle of emulation, I’d have never experienced the phenomenon that is Chrono Trigger as a teenager. I played this game completely, from beginning to end. I laughed, I cried, and by the end of it I’d walked away feeling a little richer as a human being.

Even though that was only eleven years ago, it feels like aeons have passed since then; much like the characters in the game itself, I’d gone through time, learning much about life, about people, growing stronger, wiser and smarter. I had figured out much about life, relationships and the world. I too had laughed and cried, experienced joy, pain, suffering and loss. I’d all but forgotten about the magic that was the Chrono Trigger experience, and the thought of ever doing a complete playthrough was a distant thought at best, until…

One day, on a whim I plugged ‘Chrono Trigger’ into an online auction site, and after flicking through a couple of listings, I laid eyes on the unthinkable…

Not pictured: Common sense by Nintendo standards

Yes, it’s exactly what it looks like. Somewhere, the gods of Nerdism have smiled upon me and blessed us with a PAL reproduction cartridge of Chrono Trigger (this package also included a reprinted Chrono Trigger box, while the print was high quality the cardboard itself felt a little soft). The cartridge itself is painted black with what feels like high quality paint, while a lovingly recreated PAL version sticker adorns the frontage of the cartridge. But the all important question is, does it work? You bet it does! This bad boy fired on the first pop, and it works just as well as any NTSC original I’ve laid hands on.

The signs were all there, the time was right, as if The Entity itself beckoned me from beyond the 16-bit visage, because it knew as well as I did that somewhere in that binary storm, somewhere in the cycles of that 65c816 processor lied a part of me, a piece of my soul crystalised within its grey plastic exterior. Yes, I had returned, the prodigal son to his rightful lineage. I had returned to finish something I’d begun before time itself.

From the heavenly melodies played through the SPC700’s modulation matrices, I’d known I’d stepped back into a time long gone; a time when life made sense, a time before HDMI, before enormous flat-screen LCD and Plasma televisions dominated living rooms, a time before ADSL, a time when Windows 95 brought us into the realm of consumer-level accessibility for computing, and the flame that was DOOM burned harder and brighter in the hearts of gamers worldwide than any computer game before it.

Yes friends, this was a turbulent time indeed. The 80’s were gone and the 90’s had ushered in a strange, scary new world of gaming. There was however, a sense of optimism. After the video game crash of ’83, questions were raised as to whether this fledgling industry could ever succeed, but by 1985 just as the prophecy foretold, a savior would rise from the ashes and bring justice to the world. That savior was Nintendo with its revolutionary home console, the Nintendo Entertainment System, which ushered in a new golden age of videogaming glory. Nintendo’s impact was unparalleled, as it spanned the globe from East to West touching lives, hearts and wallets on its way through with its memorable library of what would become timeless classic videogaming series such as Super Mario Bros, Metroid, The Legend of Zelda and Contra.

With the advent of rival Sega’s 16-bit console, the Genesis (or Mega Drive here in PAL-land) questions were raised if Nintendo could recapture its magic and deliver another stellar console gaming experience. A few months before Christmas 1991, buoyed by the success of its predecessor, the Super Nintendo Entertainment System hit stores across the USA, and would go on to sell over 20 million units there. Despite a relatively small library of launch titles, these titles (including Super Mario World, F-Zero and Pilotwings) would go on to receive high critical and commercial acclaim, and continue to hold legacies of their own. Shockwaves from the impact of Nintendo’s ashen juggernaut would be felt for years well beyond its life span; its legacy no better illustrated than through the prolific emulation culture that spawned shortly after the release of the successor to the SNES – the Nintendo 64, which officially ushered in the first era of three-dimensional console gaming.

However, the world of gaming never forgot the Super Nintendo, and its iconic association with the decade known as the 90s. This console was synonymous with so many elements of childhood; the school holidays, going to rent out a game from the video shop, having a friend come over to play through the game with you while you gorged yourselves on popcorn and chocolate. You’d occasionally take a break to watch Star Wars on VHS, then maybe go ride bikes somewhere together because your mum would hassle you about how “it’s so nice outside”. I think a little of our simpler times of life are captured somewhere within this console’s pallid exterior. Even now, I find myself engaging in lengthy conversations with others who also reminisce over their Super Nintendo collections they held in their youth about our favourite games, memories and other bits of retrospective banter.

Sure, maybe I’m living in the past a little here, but compared with the predictable cookie-cutter triple –A Call of Duty titles we have today, I find stepping back in time to be so refreshing- being able to step back to an era when games stimulated our imagination without the use of super-poly count modelling, anti-aliasing and antistropic filtering. A time where imagination was everything, when we didn’t need HDMI graphics or 5.1 surround sound to have fun. A time when developers took risks and we loved them for it.

In lieu of that major digression, we enter Chrono Trigger. Returning to this title after so long effectively opened a timewarp in my living room; I was sucked back in time to simpler days; indeed, the chunky font adorning the game’s dialogue, and its unique style of letterboxing was definitely something designed to suit the optimal screen displays of the time- CRT televisions that sat on the opposite end of the room to you.

I also dropped my keys in there

 

Speaking of displays, let’s talk about the graphics of Chrono Trigger. By 16-bit standards, the visuals of this game are nothing short of masterfully crafted beauty.  Each era has its own unique visual style and colour scheme, so revisiting the same locations even in different eras always feels fresh and appropriate. Going back to prehistoric times yields rugged mountain ranges, lush primitive forests and fiery volcanic terrain. The dark ages presents a dialectic clash between a ‘washed-out’-looking, perpetually stormy and hostile ‘earth world’ against a serene, halcyon ‘sky world’ occupied by the Enlightened. The middle ages shares similarities with the present, though replacing much of the brickwork and textiles with earthy wood tones. The post-apocalyptic future is appropriately bleak and hostile, featuring a dead, desolate grey landscape populated with the decaying ruins of former metropolitan superstructures, rusted and filthy survivor hideouts and hostile factory grounds.

Each era has its own unique art style

  

Aside from the brilliantly constructed ambience, the sprite art and character designs are delightfully detailed; Freelance artist Akira Toriyama, best known for his work designing the characters of Dragonball Z is responsible for the character art and design; the animations look superb for the 16-bit machine, even showing off detailed shadow rendering coupled with each character’s animation frames. The enemies are also equally detailed and the boss fights are truly a spectacular sight. Chrono Trigger also sports some amazingly rendered cutscenes; notably a scene showing Frog unveiling the power of the Masamune sword, another scene showing the arrival of Lavos on the planet, and a truly spectacular scene showing (should the player choose to) flying (and crashing) the time machine right through the outer shell of the final boss. However, my guiltiest visual pleasure with Chrono Trigger comes from the amazing spellcasting animations. The real magnitude of power you wield within the sorceries you command is perfectly captured, as you get a full sense of the destructive forces held at your fingertips. Overall, Chrono Trigger absolutely pushes the envelope of the humble 16-bit hardware to new levels, and it looks absolutely beautiful for it. Speaking of beautiful…

Chrono Trigger features one of the most breathtaking soundtracks not just of any Super Nintendo game, but of any game ever made. Primarily penned by Yasanouri Mitsuda with contributions from veteran Final Fantasy composer Nobou Uematsu, Chrono Trigger features music, and indeed a soundscape of utmost dynamism, emotion and texture. From the opening scene’s depiction of grand, sweeping landscapes, dramatic battle sequences and transcendence of time and space, you are accompanied by a grand, sweeping orchestral piece that feels as if it’s warping the very fabric of time and space around you. From the outset of the game, as Chrono awakes to the call of his mother, we’re accompanied by a warming major scale composition. Venturing through the Guardia Forest brings a calming, low-tempo melodic piece that you’d probably want on your iPod next time you go bush walking. When exploring the stygian ruins of the post-apocalyptic future, you’re accompanied by a slow, unsettling choir piece with a low, menacing bass line. And with a mournful recollection, or the heart-rending scene of Chrono’s team returning to his mother (who can’t find the heart to tell her the truth of his demise), a tragic minor melody lead plays over gentle strings while we struggle to figure out just WHY he had to die like that. There’s something truly special in the soundtrack to Chrono Trigger, and to anyone who hasn’t played the game, or hasn’t the time to play the game then I strongly urge you to pick up the music; it’s as timeless as the emotions they conjur. There’s also the legendary retrospective easter egg in Robo’s theme… Well, just have a listen and see if you can figure it out.

One of the revolutionary aspects of Chrono Trigger’s gameplay came from its combat engine; unlike the majority of previous Squaresoft RPGs (the Final Fantasy series), battles are not random occurances that take place in a combat subscreen, but the enemies appear as visible, moving sprites on the screen; upon contact with an enemy sprite the party will be engaged in a turn-based battle that take place upon the ground you currently occupy (similar to the live action battles of Squaresoft's recent hit, Secret of Mana). This feature opens up the opportunity for creative attack patterns; certain ‘Tech’ attacks will hit all enemies on a straight line, others will strike all enemies within a certain radius of the character, and others will hit absolutely everything irrelevant of other factors.

Also known as the 'Every-freakin-thing Dies' button

  
The skills division between the playable characters is precisely fine tuned; Chrono (who leads your party for most of the game) is essentially an all-rounder with powerful physical attacks, average-strength Lightning-based magical attacks and decent speed and defenses. 

His present-era female cohorts Marle and Lucca aren’t as physically tough, fast or defensive as he is, but still hold their own in combat with powerful magic skills in Water and Fire magic respectively, as well as other powerful offensive and defensive Techs/magic. 

Hailing from the post-apocalyptic future is Robo, featuring powerful physical attacks, strong defense and though not very fast, he wields a wide variety of techs, with some sufficing as Shadow magic, while others rely on brute force. 

From all the way back in Prehistoric times comes the Ioka village chief Ayla; she is, hands-down the toughest character in the game with her strength, speed and endurance stats maxing out before anyone else’s. However, as the classic ‘brawler’ character, she has no magical capacity and all her Techs rely on brute force. 

Finally from the Middle Ages, hail the medieval hero Frog, and his arch-nemesis Magus. Whether Magus joins your party or not is something you will get to decide later in the game (though there’s no reason not to, unless you’re after a specific ending, but we’ll get into that later). Frog fares closely to Chrono in terms of combat stats- he’s strong with good physical attacks, decent magical defense and offense, relatively quick, and in possession of Water-based magic. 

Finally, Magus offers genuine Shadow magic to the party, and is an immensely powerful asset in battle with powerful spellcasting abilities, strong physical attacks, powerful defense and good protection from magic, though his major drawback is in not having any naturally occurring double or triple-Techs to utilize with the other party members.

The combination of characters you choose in your adventuring line-up will lead to unlocking new abilities known as “double techs” or “triple techs”- these are Tech-moves that require two or more members of your combative line-up to be ready to attack. They’re immensely powerful attacks that combine the attributes of both for either devastating damage to the enemy, or powerful healing assets on your team.  In the interest of unlocking all tech combinations it’s generally good practice to mix things up with your active line-up; fortunately this is made super-easy by having a single-button push to take you to a line-up screen where, at any point in the game you can swap out your line-up for any of the other heroes who sit idly by at the End of Time, waiting for you to summon them. 

While idle players still receive experience points won from battles, they will not receive any ‘Tech points’, which contribute towards the learning of new skills and magic spells. Additionally, certain events will only occur when a particular character is present in your party, and some NPCs are more responsive to some characters than others. The constant growth your characters experience and the new skills they gain really helps keep the experience fresh throughout (even if you "Tech-level-crunch" like I did at points, you’ll still need to be creative in your application of said Techs, and in figuring out effective double and triple-Techs).

In terms of the worlds you explore, and dungeons you crawl, it all feels very nicely paced- Presuming you level up at a steady rate, and don’t level-grind or avoid combat, you’re likely to have a challenge that grows stronger as you do; the enemies become more powerful and the bosses more threatening. 

There are points where the game’s direction feels a little cryptic, and you’re sometimes unsure of what to do next or where to go. Even with the Guru of Time acting as a guide, he’s not always as clear on things as to what modern gaming has accustomed us to come to expect. However, I personally find this somewhat refreshing- Video games today seem to really hold your hand from beginning to end, pointing out exactly the path you’re expected to take, showing you every pick-up and power-up along the way, and leaving you with a false sense of achievement. And if you slip? Don’t worry, there are check-points every five seconds. 

So you can safely suffer obliteration

  
There’s none of that here; the directions are minimal and sometimes cryptic, so when you figure it all out, you actually feel like you’ve earned that kick-ass sword. The game also feels accommodating to these moments, as most dungeons aren’t more than three or four screens long, so getting lost is next to impossible, and even with larger and more complex areas (like Mt. Woe) you’ll usually be supplemented with a Save space, so you’re never too far from a chance to put it down and pick it up again later.

In terms of replayability, Chrono Trigger is indeed a rare case in the history of Role Playing Games, in offering players several reasons to replay the game, thirteen reasons in-fact! Chrono Trigger offers players thirteen possible endings, depending on at which point you choose to fight the final boss. 

Naturally, on your first playthrough your characters will be too weak to make any real difference in a premature boss fight, but after your first successful completion of the game, you’ll be offered a “New Game+” mode where you can begin a new game while all your stats and equipment from a designated save file are rolled over. 

Who'd have thought the end of all existence could be so placid?

 The only real reason to do this is to see all the possible endings, as most of the game will be an absolute push-over with your overly leveled-up characters and equipment (for instance, on your first playthrough, one particular boss fight plays out as a scripted loss; if you’re able to defeat him in “Newgame+” mode, a new ending will resound). 

In saying that, the first playthrough feels very nicely paced in terms of difficulty; if you’ve been paying attention to your equipment load-out and what the shops are offering, you ought to be pretty well equipped to deal with whatever threats come your way. But don’t expect Chrono Trigger to hold your hand throughout- You’ll occasionally be tossed hints and tips on what to do, but at the end of it all it’s up to you to put all the pieces together.

In a larger sense, Chrono Trigger’s true replay value is something that transcends beyond the plethora of endings it offers; this is a game worth coming back to every few years, so you may re-envisage life in a simpler time, re-live those timeless memories, and those valuable lessons you learned. Because in the world of Chrono Trigger, much like life itself, time is fleeting, and at the end of the day all you have are those wonderful memories.

Puss in Boots Movie Review

 

2011, directed by Chris Miller

Reviewed by Tim. S

I didn’t know what to expect from Puss in Boots; I’m wary of any film that involves anthropomorphic CGI animals, one-liners and spin-offs, and I was certainly skeptical in approach, but I think there’s something in this film that grants it leniency. It’s probably not going to win any “Film of the Year” awards, but I walked away from this one feeling a little warmer inside. Like a lot of kids, I’d grown up on the story of Puss in Boots, and though I’d felt certain elements of my childhood should stay in the past, I'm pleased to say this was a fun, albeit partially flawed view.

The plot of Puss in Boots is essentially a story of retribution, revenge and redemption. The film begins with Puss, presently an exile of his home town San Ricardo, returning to set right the wrongs of the past. From there, he learns about the magic beans (which prompts him to reveal that he’s searched “half his life for them”). Shortly thereafter Puss joins forces with his old ally, Humpty ‘Alexander’ Dumpty, and newcomer, Kitty Softpaws on a quest to retrieve the fabled Golden Goose to restore his honour in the eyes of the people of San Ricardo, something lost years before in a deceptive heist by his former comrade.

The prime elements of the film are essentially a composite of various fairy tales, including the titular Puss in Boots, Jack and the Beanstalk, Jack and Jill, Humpty Dumpty and the Golden Goose, all mashed together in fantastical Renaissance Spain. With characters recast as clear-cut protagonists/antagonists. The narrative of the film is somewhat predictable given the fairy-tale premise, yet with a few liberties taken here and there for the purpose of dramatic tension.

Aside from referencing numerous fairy tales, there’s a momentary Fight Club reference in a pact known as ‘Bean Club’ between Puss and Humpty when they first start collecting beans in hopes of finding the magical ones, they agree on rules, namely “The first rule of Bean Club you do not talk about Bean Club, the second rule of Bean Club is you DO NOT talk about Bean Club!”. It was a great little moment of cinematic reflection, and something of a precursor to the film’s ongoing allusions of deception, tested loyalties, and ultimately redemption.

Humpty ‘Alexander’ Dumpty is resigned to morally dubious bumbling sidekick and part-time inventor; flashback scenes show a younger Humpty experimenting with flying machines, though the extent and origins of his inventor persona are never fully explained. The character of Kitty Softpaws feels at times somewhat unnecessary, and feels like she exists more for the purpose of having a dual male-female lead in the film, rather than possessing a solidly rooted presence in the overarching plot.

The ‘murderous outlaws’ Jack and Jill were the colourfully recast owners of the stolen magic beans, and the film’s bumbling, comical antagonists; they’re essentially a minor thorn in the side of the protagonists and never amount to a significant threat, so they see out most of the film as the comic relief. They do however take part in a great chase scene with the protagonists, which was probably one of the most fun parts of the film. There’s no singular antagonist throughout the film, and it seems like the entire world is against them at points (the local authorities, bounty hunters, outlaws, the “Great Terror”)

The script and voice acting felt lacking at points; the strongest contender I felt was Humpty, voiced by Zach Galifiankis (The Hangover), whose delivery highlighted his character’s edgy, nervous and eccentric persona. Antonio Banderas gives a solid performance as Puss, while some of Kitty’s (Salma Hayek’s) lines felt a little lacking, at times due to the script, and at others due to the delivery.

In terms of the less sensical elements of the film, the story contained a betrayal/forgiveness element, which felt disproportionate to the magnitude of betrayal involved. Though the audience is never clearly positioned to sympathise with the character of Humpty, the fact that Puss so willingly forgives him after he is not only betrayed (again), but is conclusively denounced as a compatriot and ‘brother’ felt irrationally implausible. It made no sense that Puss took him back as his ‘brother’, however I feel this choice was made more to teach younger audiences the virtue of forgiveness over rationality and self-preservation: when grudges are put aside, the path is opened to achieve bigger and better things. However it feels so hastened (as it’s all packed into the film’s final quarter) that it never fully sinks in, and washes off shortly after viewing.

Various sexual undercurrents run through the film, though they hover below the surface so the film never really feels beyond ‘PG’, and it works to good effect in keeping the film relatively tasteful. One scene shows Humpty getting undressed off-screen as the other characters comment on his lack of underwear; I was somewhat perplexed at this scene, as my first thought was questioning the anatomical fidelity of this accusation; does an egg even have anything to hide underneath underwear? Sure, he’s anthropomorphic, but in the Puss in Boots universe, there seems to be a lot of inexplicable stuff going on, maybe this was just another one of those moments.

Even in the film’s opening scene, it opens with a slow pan across the bedroom floor of a middle-aged sleeping man, showing an empty milk bottle, a fish skeleton and a sleeping female cat, while Puss quietly creeps away and gets dressed in his trademark boots and hat. Coitus is strongly implied here, as Puss is chased out by the unnamed cat’s owner, she sits there and sighs, watching Puss run off over the horizon, blowing kisses back to her. Shortly afterwards, there’s an extremely phallic shot of Puss’s boot while he’s sitting in the bar with his feet up.

Not pictured: Subtlety.

There’s a scene about halfway through the film where Kitty Softpaws makes a comment on the golden eggs: “Can you imagine laying one of these? Ouch!” Puss also refers to himself at a couple of points as ‘The Furry Lover’ and a ‘lover of beautiful women, a great, great lover’. Certainly these are concepts not completely understood by the film’s target audience, though likely to garner a chuckle from the parents or older siblings.

Overall this was a fun, though not particularly memorable view. It was interesting to see the back story of one of the most memorable Shrek 2 characters, even if it didn’t entirely live up to the hype. Puss in Boots is a fun, one-off view, sanitary enough for younger audiences, with a few chuckle-inducing innuendo-moments for older viewers.

This review is brought to you courtesy of Hoyts Cinemas Australia.

The Humble Indie Bundle #4 Extravaganza!

              

By Tim. S

Hey folks!

The latest Humble Indie Bundle is upon us! It’s a fantastically timed festive season special for seven great independent gaming titles at a price DETERMINED BY YOU*:

While a full review will be given upon completion of the titles, here are some preliminary impressions.

1. NightSky HD – A platform puzzler involving physics, gravity and some very weird ambient shadow art.
2. Shank – An action platformer harkening back to the likes of Final Fight and Metal Slug – blast, slash and chainsaw your way through this wild comic-book escapade.
3. Super Meat Boy – A reflex platformer; navigate though various hazards and test your mettle! Get REALLY good and record your speed runs for honor and gloating purposes.
4. BIT.TRIP RUNNER – Intriguing, Atari 2600-inspired platformer featuring chunky colours, chunkier pixels, interstellar settings and gameplay reminiscent of early Sonic the Hedgehog games. Play the rainbow!
5. Jamestown – Vertically scrolling shooter reminiscent of the early 90s arcade blastfest titles like Raiden. Things go boom. All the time.
6. Cave Story+ - Saving it ‘til last
7. Gratuitous Space Battles – Also saving it ‘til last

For those of you with a moral compass or a sense of social responsibility, the ‘Humble team actually let you choose WHERE your money goes; there’s a default split between the game developers, the American Red Cross or a tip for the distributors at ‘Humble HQ. This split is fully customisable and you can set it up any way you like.

Not only that, but every title is cross-platform compliant (across Windows/Mac/Linux systems), and boasts very lenient system requirements; so even those of you with ageing or underpowered systems should still be able to enjoy these festive goodies.

You can tell which ones have girlfriends, and which ones need girlfriends.

Over at Squarecrank we’re all excited; we’ve now got our hands on seven pieces of hot independent gaming! Between now and the new year, we’ll be reviewing each one individually and giving you our verdict on one of the most hotly anticipated seasonal gaming packs to grace our desktops in recent months.

So head on over to http://www.humblebundle.com/ and claim your gaming pack today!

*To unlock the last two titles, Cave Story+ and Gratuitous Space Battles, your chosen price must be over the average purchase price. At the time of writing (15/12/2011), this figure was at $5.37 USD (that’s for the WHOLE pack, not just a single game). You really have no excuses to NOT pick up all seven titles.

The Adventures of Tintin: The Secret Of The Unicorn Movie Review

 

2011, directed by Steven Spielberg, produced by Peter Jackson

Reviewed by Tim. S

You’ll be hard-pressed to find anyone who hasn’t heard of Tintin; the iconic young Belgian reporter with his signature tuft of hair, trench coat and faithful companion Snowy, who embarked upon countless adventures to thwart drug smugglers, human traffickers and various crime syndicates.

Even political struggles and revolutions couldn’t have happened without Tintin’s intervention; General Alcazar could never have launched a successful revolution in San Theodoros against General Tapioca in Tintin and the Picaros, and Tintin helps King Muskar XII retain his reign of Syldavia in King Ottokar’s Scepter when an elaborate plot by separatist revolutionaries to oust the king is set into play.

Original badass.

Tintin’s got quite a set globe-trotting of adventures under his belt, having been to practically every continent on the planet, meeting countless people along the way. Though Tintin books were penned and published for over fifty years, the protagonist and his cohorts remained as a timeless, ageless piece of history.

I personally have a very close emotional bond with the Tintin books and cartoons; the 1990s cartoon series was airing when I was young; and our local library also stocked the books (which were nearly impossible to acquire without a specific request). I can’t help but feel that watching and reading Tintin has somehow shaped the life that I lead from thereon (maybe that’s why I chose to study journalism).

Having said that, I was highly skeptical when I’d heard about plans to take the humble Belgian reporter to the big screen; Hollywood doesn’t have a good reputation when it comes to respecting screen history, and after another element of my childhood, The Smurfs, was mercilessly slaughtered by Tinsel town producers, I was questioning as to whether Tintin could ever be faithfully re-created in a respectful, elegant manner.

On that note, I can safely say that the Speilberg/Jackson adaptation of the 20^th century’s original action hero is just as true to the source material as any diehard fan could ask for.

"We've got to get off this boat, no time to find your beard trimmer"

 

The moment where my heart really smiled was actually right at the start of the film; during the lovingly recreated weekend markets scene, we see a caricature artist capturing the likeness of the off-screen protagonist; upon completion of the piece, he turns his artwork to his subject, uttering the words “This is a good likeness” and hands the hero, Tintin a caricature of himself rendered in his classic, timeless comic-book form in a paradoxical sort of cinematic self-revelation.

The artist is then revealed, and it is indeed none other than Tintin creator Herge’ himself. The veritable father of Tintin, appearing in the film that he is single-handedly posthumously responsible for is perhaps the ultimate in respects, and in an indirect way, is perhaps the singular most important element in the film. I almost broke down into tears of happiness upon viewing this scene.

Sentiments aside, the film delivers strong performances from Jamie Bell (Tintin) as the eponymous, altruistic journalist, Andy Serkis as the often drunk and dysfunctional Captain Haddock and his ancestor, Sir Francis Haddock. Daniel Craig stars opposite the lead duo as the malevolent Mr Ivan Ivanovitch Sakharine and Red Rackham. Also starring are Simon Pegg and Nick Frost as bumbling yet loveable detectives Thomson and Thompson.

The dysfunctional father-son style relationship between Haddock and Tintin is recreated faithfully from the original source material, while adding in lots of character-specific quirks; just as soon as Tintin formulates a plot, the Captain will almost immediately, albeit unintentionally foil it in his own comical style. Perhaps the most radical departure from the original source material is the character of Mr Sakharine; originally a minor character from the books, he was an innocuous, middle-aged model ship collector and builder with black hair, a beard and glasses who took an interest in the model Unicorn, as his collection had one identical to it. 

In the film, he has been drastically recast as the primary antagonist, where in the books this role was assigned to the Bird Brothers. This was somewhat jarring at first, but the film didn’t take the liberty for no reason; the colour-coded similarities between the ancient pirate, Red Rackham and his presently portrayed descendant, Mr Sakharine work to good effect; it allows some clever use of Mise En Scene, and draw up a nice contrast between the heroes and the villain both striving for a common goal; to unite the clues which will allow them to reach the sunken wreck of the Unicorn and its hidden treasures before the other.

The motion-captured action works extremely well, and grants a degree of freedom over the film that wouldn’t have worked with traditionally acted characters. At the same time, the film has an extremely broad appeal; older fans of Tintin will appreciate the faithfully adapted settings, characters and artifacts, while the film doesn’t alienate a younger, modern audience; a lot of the conflict is sanitized, with blood only used extremely sparingly for some key scenes. Other than that, the action is mostly family-friendly and certainly isn’t objectionable.

Some of the more complex action and chase scenes are quite spectacular, and use the 3D visual effects quite well; 3D in general is a visual display technology still in its infancy, and its applications have been somewhat hit-and-miss (mostly miss), as most films will shoot on traditional film or 2D digital, and only apply the 3D effects in post-production. However, being an entirely CGI movie, the 3D effects were much more effective at creating a world with depth and perspective, as opposed to adding it in for the sake of being 3D.

Most importantly, the setting of Tintin is the classic, timeless mid 20^th century Europe that we remember and love. I was very happy to see that Tintin wasn’t modernized, or brought into the 21^st century. Every detail of his town, apartment block, and even the sea freighter (The Karaboudjan) have been painstakingly mapped out for maximum fidelity to the original source material and time period, and it works so well.

Perhaps most exciting is the prospect of further Tintin films; there’s already been talk of adapting the stories of The Seven Crystal Balls, and its follow-up adventure Prisoners of the Sun. I felt that these stories would make the best movie adaption, as I’d always considered those two stories to connect as one larger Tintin ‘movie’ within the cartoon series.

Overall, Tintin was a delightful, amazingly fun film to watch, and is a rare example of when Hollywood remakes actually get it right.

If you see only one film this year, make it this one.

Bulletstorm Review

Reviewed by Tim. S

The heroes have balls the size of grapefruit in this ludicrously over-the-top booze-chugging, guts-splattering, guns-blazing, all-out-s**t-hits-the-fan, testosterone-soaked mega blast-fest of a first-person-shooter that is Bulletstorm.

Way back in 2002, a quaint FPS title, Timesplitters 2 on the sixth-generation consoles proclaimed the slogan ‘Outnumbered but never outgunned’. A game that forewent the blooming trend of ‘realistic’ gaming by opting for more run-and-gun gaming as opposed to carefully placed shots and espionage (yes, we’re talking about YOU, Rainbow Six). Nearly a decade on, after countless hit-and-misses of a plethora of wannabe-realistic first person shooters, we see the torch re-ignited and passed on to its rightful successor that is Bulletstorm.

Sure, it’s not the most intelligent game, and players akin to strategy or RPG games may find themselves somewhat unenthused by a first-person shooter so heavily action driven.

Bulletstorm is unashamedly unrealistic; it doesn’t even try for realism in the slightest. While this might sound alienating in an era of ultra-realistic warfare simulators in a duck-and-cover shooter market, it’s actually extremely empowering, a real breath of fresh air which takes us back to what games, at their core, are all about: Escapist fantasy.

Remember that fantasy you had about firing a mini-gun at a giant jet-powered wheel chasing you down?

A surprisingly strong point of Bulletstorm is the story; penned by renowned comic book writer and artist Rick Remender (also writer for the Dead Space series). The story revolves around the player-character (Grayson Hunt)’s quest for retribution and redemption from his own blood-stained hands of past deeds under command of the corrupt General Sarrano. Now leading a life of chronic alcoholism and debauchery, Hunt leads a fearsome gang of space-pirates with heavy bounties on their heads. One day during a routine interrogation of a would-be mercenary, they happen upon the General’s flagship. Hunt engages in a drunken dogfight above a nearby planet that sends both ships crash-landing to its surface, which by happenstance is possibly the most hostile planet in the galaxy- a former tourist resort now occupied by Mad Max-style gangs, cannibals, hideous mutants and worse. 

Playing Bulletstorm lets us live out all our male adolescent, tough-guy, Arnie/Stallone/Van-Damme-fuelled fantasies; picking up a minigun and splitting apart an onslaught of freakish mutants or hyper-aggressive, Mad-Max esque wasteland marauders is a sickeningly gleeful experience, complete with over-the-top snapping and splattering noises as they are reduced to a mess of red salad on the floor.

Another disturbingly indulgent experience is the game’s Sniper Rifle- unlike most games where you merely line up some sucker’s noggin in your scope and pull the trigger, Bulletstorm lets the player takes control of the bullet after it leaves the barrel of the gun- steering it in slow-motion around cover and debris square into Medulla Oblongata of the fleeing assailant.

In Japan this would probably be pornography

However it’s not a complete no-brainer either, as the game has a system for rewarding players who complete various ‘Skill-shot’ goals; while Skill-shots might just look like a fancy sort of mini-achievement setup, they actually have a realtime payoff with the gameplay in the form of currency to purchase weapon upgrades and ammunition from ‘drop shops’ scattered around the world.

Essentially, they’re about meeting requirements in your dispatch of enemies, for example: “Shoot an enemy in the balls then kick his head off” or “Kill an enemy with a shot to the throat”, or “Fire a drill-bit into a boss’s chest then kick it in”. They might sound tasteless, but they’re deviously fun and appropriately challenging to pull off, not to mention rewarding: Pulling off new Skill-shots earns the player a huge points bonus, which in turn the points can be used at various ‘Drop-shops’ scattered around the world to buy ammo and upgrades.

And should you pull off any skill-shot combos, well, you won’t just be living on Easy St, you’ll be able buy it. At any time, the player can view the Skill-shot list to see what’s been done and what hasn’t. The drop shops are fairly evenly scattered, and always give players a chance to stock up before major events, they’re useful and well-implemented.

The only criticisms I really have for the game are regarding the limited weapons holding system, and the environmental navigation; there were times I couldn’t pass small, low-lying objects which felt like Hunt should have been able to step over. Additionally, the hitboxing also felt inconsistent, almost random at times, with obvious headshots not picking up, while shooting the automatic rifle vaguely in the direction of an enemy yields a fair chance of headshot. Coming from a background of Counter-Strike Source where precisely placed shots make all the difference, this game did feel a little jarring.

The hotel owner's just lucky they're not the Occupational Health & Safety crew

However in the greater scheme of the Bulletstorm experience, these are fairly minor complaints when you’ve got a game with impressive artificial intelligence (from both enemies and your sidekicks), wild gunfighting action and more attitude and humour than you can poke a thug’s dismembered forearm at. This game is an unforgettable experience and we’re eagerly waiting for a sequel.